Yesterday afternoon - via IM - David asked me if I was kicking him out. He needed to know because he needed to get an apartment.
I suggested that he go and stay with a friend until he gets his head right. Because what happened last night would NOT happen again. I can't allow it.
He said it won't happen. If I'm not with him, to help him get better, then he does not want me when he is better.
That's his decision. I don't want him to get an apartment, but I won't be his emotional punching bag anymore. I can't.
I leave the office to meet a friend for happy hour. I get a text from my son asking what is wrong with Dad.
Long story short - he sent the kids to my parents house and was crying uncontrollably. My son was terrified. He didn't know if something happened to his grand parents. He just didn't know.
I rush to my parents house. I talk to a dear friend who has been where I am and ask for advice on how to explain to my kids what is going on.
I get there and tell them that mom and dad love them very much, and that we will always be there parents. But, right now, we are like puzzle pieces. Our puzzle pieces don't fit together anymore and that dad is going to go live somewhere else.
My son, who is almost 10 loses it. He begs me, begs me begs me. "Mommy, please don't do this, mom." "Mom, think about 1998. Think about the wedding pictures we just looked at. Mom, please please please don't do this."
My heart breaks into a million pieces. I tried to tell him that we yell at each other and that will stop and everyone will be happier. Brett tells me that he doesn't care about the yelling. He likes it when we yell. The only thing that scares him when we yell is the thought of us splitting up.
My son rushes out of the house, and runs home. I get my daughter situated and go to my house. I find my son and my husband upstairs in my son's room holding each other and crying.
I get my son to go back down to my parents house to take his sister and him something to eat.
Long story short - According to Dave, I'm not "trying hard enough" I'm not "changing". I try to tell him that I've committed to him and I gave him everything I had left to give. I gave him everything that he has not ripped from me. Well, it's not enough.
Nothing I've ever done in this marriage has been enough.
My heart is broken.
I pack up for me and the kids and leave to go stay with my parents for the night because Dave says he doesn't have a place to go. He says he will get an apartment and move out on Saturday.
I go back to my parents house and cry some more. My son is in bed crying. I go and ask him not to cry. I try to tell him over and over again that we will be ok and everything will work out. He believes that it won't.
This morning - more of the same. My son is clearly depressed. He doesn't want this. He wants us to be a family.
My heart hurts so much for him. And for me.
I text Dave and tell him to call our counselor. I can't do this to my kids.
We are going in at noon today. I honestly do not know what to do. Do I keep trying for my kids? Is there anything left to try for? Will it ever be good enough? Do I have anything left?
I do know right now that if we had another blow out fight, I will have nothing left. I will surrender. I'm spent.
So, for now. I'm giving it to God. There is nothing else for me to do.
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No matter what happens, you will always be a family. Period. I know how incredibly hard this is, and I know that your kids may not understand that for a long time, but eventually, they will.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you're going to an appt. today, and I hope it helps.
Just remember how strong you are, and remember that you deserve to be happy, not yelled at, and not degraded. YOU have to be happy for your family/children to be happy.
I will point out that once again, as always, Dave is not looking at what HE can do to make things better, he is blaming YOU for not making it work. How ridiculous is that?
ReplyDeleteI know you don't want to hurt your children, but they will be hurt during the process and sad but they will get past it.
You don't deserver to live in such misery. You need to talk to the counselor today about the best way for both of you to handle this like adults and in front of your children as opposed to crying like a baby to get them on your side.
Yes, the kids are the hardest part when a marriage disolves. They don't understand how you can still love someone and not be with them. The counselor that you are seeing may or may not work with children. If not, try to get a referral. Also, get the teachers and counselors involved. Get your family and close friends involved. Your children are going to need some "sameness". They will need that love and reassurance.
ReplyDeleteThey will not understand now. One day they will. All that you can do is be as honest with them as you can without sharing more than they need to know. Be ready to hold them when they cry. And crying is sometimes all they need. You don't have to have the right words to say and you don't have to pretend that everything is going to be OK. I answered many times with "I don't know what's going to happen but I do know that me and your daddy love you so much and together, we will get through this".
I don't want to write a Novella. This is hard. It's OK to cry. It's ok to say you don't know the right words. It's ok to reach out to those that do (professionals, friends, family). Giving it to God is the absolute best thing to do right now.
I love you sweetie!