I've made my bed . .

So, I let him back into the house. I let him back into my bed (no sex). Apparently, it was the wrong decision.

I let him back in for financial reasons. I let him back in for my children. I was terrified that when he came back, he would fall into old habits. Sadly, I was right.

For the first couple of days he was perfect. Saturday was perfect. We had our son's sleepover for his birthday. He was wonderful while I had a headache. He took care of the boys.

Saturday night I got upset because he was not making the boys go to sleep. He would go in softly and tell them to go to sleep. This is not effective with 10 year old boys. I got mad.

I was texting my friends last night and playing games on my phone.

The details do not matter. The bottom line is this.

I let him move in for my kids. To make them happy. They heard him crying last night. Loudly, again. And because I was telling him to shut up because the kids were sleeping, I'm cold hearted. They saw his clothes all over the place this morning and were sad.

I don't think I'm cold hearted. I think my heart is dead.

Because now I know what I have to do. Because I let him in to make them happy, I have to let myself and my happiness go. I want them to be happy. That is all that matters to me.

So, I made my bed. I will lie in it.

Where we Are

He finally agreed to the separation. He's not living at home.

But, we are still working on our marriage.

This weekend, he went to visit his friends and his parents and claims that he told them all everything. But really, I don't know what he's told them. I can't control that so, I guess I have to let it go.

I know he's texting his brother all of the time now. The same brother who said that he couldn't believe that I wouldn't stay with Dave while he's trying to get better, and who knows what else that MF'er said. It makes me all stabby.

He came home yesterday and spent time with us. We went to church, which we really, really liked. He really is on his best behavior and saying the right things.

I let him stay at home last night, sleeping in the playroom. He wants to come home and stay for good. But, I don't know. I mentioned him staying at the house this week so that we can get it ready for our son's birthday sleep-over that's happening this weekend. He's now asked if I meant that or if he needs to leave. I don't know.

While I'm not happy in my marriage, I realized that I'm not happy alone either. But, my kids are thrilled when he's there.

I was honest and told him that I cannot and will not put my whole heart into this marriage until I know that he will not hurt me like that ever again. We can fight and have disagreements, but he cannot hurt me. I honestly do not know when I will be able to trust that. Or, even if I ever will.

So, that's where we are.

Status

Yesterday afternoon - via IM - David asked me if I was kicking him out. He needed to know because he needed to get an apartment.

I suggested that he go and stay with a friend until he gets his head right. Because what happened last night would NOT happen again. I can't allow it.

He said it won't happen. If I'm not with him, to help him get better, then he does not want me when he is better.

That's his decision. I don't want him to get an apartment, but I won't be his emotional punching bag anymore. I can't.

I leave the office to meet a friend for happy hour. I get a text from my son asking what is wrong with Dad.

Long story short - he sent the kids to my parents house and was crying uncontrollably. My son was terrified. He didn't know if something happened to his grand parents. He just didn't know.

I rush to my parents house. I talk to a dear friend who has been where I am and ask for advice on how to explain to my kids what is going on.

I get there and tell them that mom and dad love them very much, and that we will always be there parents. But, right now, we are like puzzle pieces. Our puzzle pieces don't fit together anymore and that dad is going to go live somewhere else.

My son, who is almost 10 loses it. He begs me, begs me begs me. "Mommy, please don't do this, mom." "Mom, think about 1998. Think about the wedding pictures we just looked at. Mom, please please please don't do this."

My heart breaks into a million pieces. I tried to tell him that we yell at each other and that will stop and everyone will be happier. Brett tells me that he doesn't care about the yelling. He likes it when we yell. The only thing that scares him when we yell is the thought of us splitting up.

My son rushes out of the house, and runs home. I get my daughter situated and go to my house. I find my son and my husband upstairs in my son's room holding each other and crying.

I get my son to go back down to my parents house to take his sister and him something to eat.

Long story short - According to Dave, I'm not "trying hard enough" I'm not "changing". I try to tell him that I've committed to him and I gave him everything I had left to give. I gave him everything that he has not ripped from me. Well, it's not enough.

Nothing I've ever done in this marriage has been enough.

My heart is broken.

I pack up for me and the kids and leave to go stay with my parents for the night because Dave says he doesn't have a place to go. He says he will get an apartment and move out on Saturday.

I go back to my parents house and cry some more. My son is in bed crying. I go and ask him not to cry. I try to tell him over and over again that we will be ok and everything will work out. He believes that it won't.

This morning - more of the same. My son is clearly depressed. He doesn't want this. He wants us to be a family.

My heart hurts so much for him. And for me.

I text Dave and tell him to call our counselor. I can't do this to my kids.

We are going in at noon today. I honestly do not know what to do. Do I keep trying for my kids? Is there anything left to try for? Will it ever be good enough? Do I have anything left?

I do know right now that if we had another blow out fight, I will have nothing left. I will surrender. I'm spent.

So, for now. I'm giving it to God. There is nothing else for me to do.

And just like that . . I'm done . .

He promised to get better.

He promised to not make me cry anymore.

He promised to never accuse me of cheating.

He promised to stop checking the cell phone bill to determine who I've been texting and when.

All of that flew out the window last night. Long story short, he was upset because I wasn't going to give him oral sex while I'm on my period. And this turned into me "not caring" about him. This turned into his going into the cell phone bill to determine who I've been texting and when. Which, of course, turned into his accusing me of sleeping with a co-worker. This turned into a confrontation.

We were already arguing about his making plans for our family vacation without asking/notifying me. He was making plans with his brother and his family. We went to Disney with them last year, and we were both so completely miserable that he swore that we would never do it again. Yet, there he was. Making plans with his brother. And, I put my foot down. I am NOT going. I won't do it again. If he wants to go and be miserable, he can. But I'm not. He says he wants to because his parents are going this time. So it will be worse. We will be miserable - but unable to say anything in an effort not to "upset" his mother. Heaven forbid.

Then the real fight started. And yet again, I ended up crying in the shower.

I tried to go and sleep with my son - in an effort to get away from him and not argue with him. Of course, he went in there screaming - BEGGING me to come out and talk to him. Waking up my son who asks me: "Mom, please go talk to dad." Nice.

Long story short, I'm done. He's not changing. He's not stopping his old habits. And I refuse to live this way. I don't have to, and I won't.

He can go and be miserable somewhere else.

Except now he's calling me. Texting me. Begging me to go to lunch with him today. Begging me not to give up on him.

What he doesn't understand is this: I gave him and this everything. And he stomped on me. Just as I knew he would.

And I don't think I can get passed it. I cannot hear him say "I'm sorry" again. I just can't.

Why I'm Here

I've known my husband has had ADHD for a while now. But, I've never realized what that means to me our my family.

I just thought he was lazy.

I just thought he was mean.

I just thought I wasn't good enough.

I am now trying to come to terms with this diagnosis. I am trying to find a way to live with him again.

I've found that writing helps me cope and get through what is going on with my life. This is why I started this blog. I am going to try to keep it a secret from him. A place where I can go to get my feelings out of me and onto a screen.

After all of the pain. After all of the struggle - I'm finally at my last. He's taking his medications. He's going to counseling. We're going to counseling. But I don't know if it will last. I do not know if it will work.

I've been told by our counselor that I need to make the decision of if I will stay or leave. She will certainly understand if I do. I've been hurt a lot. But, as a good friend told me . . . I have to stay.

I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror or look my children in the face and know that I've done everything I could to make this marriage work. But this is it. I can do no more.

So, welcome to my pity party.

Please bring cake. Or gifts.